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Beignets: The Underdog Story

There are certain times in life where you will just lose every battle. Women, taxes, death, and recently I learned another. Beignets.

What’s a beignet you ask? It is a pastry made from deep-fried dough, much like a doughnut, and sprinkled with confectioner’s sugar, or frostings. Savory versions of beignets are also popular as an appetizer, with fillings such as maple or fruit preserves.

Watch out. They are evil!

I didn’t know what one was until last month when I went to Newport Grill. We ordered beignets as a dessert item off of their menu. Based off our waiter’s description, they sounded delicious. He described them as doughnuts with hot chocolate filling inside or something to that effect. We decided what the hey, lets give these a try. So the waiter brought them out in a decorative bowl (I can’t describe what the bowl look like, i’m not very observant like that….. I am a guy you know). So I dig into one and put the entire bite size beignet in my mouth and bite in. Boom. Tough Actin Tenactin. My mouth was on fire. Imagine Mount Vesuvius just erupting in your mouth. My very first bite into it, hot scalding molten lava chocolate just burst all on the inside of my mouth. I couldn’t spit it out in fear of embarrassment. I kept it inside with my eyes lighting up in pain. Everybody at the table erupts (no pun intended) in laughter. I had no warning from our server they were going to be that hot. However much pain that lady who sued McDonald’s for hot coffee was in, I easily tripled that. I think I may have lost my taste buds for the rest of dinner. Pain, I tell you. Pain. I would rather give birth to a 12 pound baby than experience the burning sensation of a Newport Grill beignet again. Ok, maybe I wouldn’t go that far.

So from that moment, I was given a lot of grief for beignets from the people that were there for Beignet/Eddy I.

Choking Hazard

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. During lunch time, we decided to head to Linkhaus. Friendly staff there. After we finished eating, we were offered complimentary beignets. I almost passed out from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but manned up as I always do and agreed to accept their offering. I asked the server if they were hot inside and he assured me they were not. Just a doughnut like pastry covered in mounds of powdered sugar. Sounds good to me. Just to make sure I wasn’t on Candid Camera, I took half a beignet to make sure it was cool enough inside. Stabbed it with a fork to make sure it was dead and not get the best of me…… turned and aimed the fork towards my mouth…. opened wide…. prepared for the bite….. I accidentally inhaled when the beignet entered….. beignet in my mouth. I choked on inhaling all that powdered sugar, spit powdered sugar everywhere like Triple H entering a wrestling ring, beignet falls out of my mouth, i’m coughing like i’m choking and need CPR. The entire establishment stops like a record scratch, cooks in the back peek their head through an opening, and for once I did not want to be the center of attention but was. All Eyez On Me. I’m standing with watery eyes, still coughing, powdered sugar probably on my face and lips just looking up at everyone. Readers, I wish I made this up. It was seriously one of the most embarrassing times of my life. The server comes up to check on me while people are laughing. It was one of those Southwest Airlines “Do You Want To Get Away” commercials.

The Beignet got the best of me AGAIN! And I even took all the necessary precautions to make sure i’d win for once. I was told inhaling sometimes is a natural thing humans do while eating. I wish that wasn’t the case. I boxed up the rest of the beignets and took them with me. I did not want to eat another one and not sure I ever will again. Maybe third times the charm.

To make matters worse, both times. Newport Grill and Linkhaus were work engagements. All co-workers. I’ve turned into the Beignet guy. Maybe E.B. stands for Evil Beignets, i don’t know. Regardless I need to find a new pastry to eat. And people wonder why I’m not even that big a fan of desserts. Maybe this will now give you some insight.


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