Beignets: The Underdog Story

There are certain times in life where you will just lose every battle. Women, taxes, death, and recently I learned another. Beignets.

What’s a beignet you ask? It is a pastry made from deep-fried dough, much like a doughnut, and sprinkled with confectioner’s sugar, or frostings. Savory versions of beignets are also popular as an appetizer, with fillings such as maple or fruit preserves.

Watch out. They are evil!

I didn’t know what one was until last month when I went to Newport Grill. We ordered beignets as a dessert item from their menu. Based off our waiter’s description, they sounded delicious. He described them as doughnuts with hot chocolate filling inside, or something to that effect. We decided what the hey, lets give these a try.

The waiter brought them out in a decorative bowl. I dug into one and put the entire bite-size beignet in my mouth and bit in. Boom. My mouth was on fire. Imagine Mount Vesuvius just erupting in your mouth. My very first bite…. hot scalding molten lava chocolate burst inside of my mouth. I couldn’t spit it out in fear of embarrassment. I kept it inside with my eyes lighting up in pain. Everybody at the table erupted (no pun intended) in laughter. I had no warning from our server, they were going to be that hot. However much pain that lady who sued McDonald’s for hot coffee was in, I easily tripled that. I lost my taste buds for the rest of dinner. Pain, I tell you. Pain. I would rather give birth to a 12 pound baby than experience the burning sensation of a Newport Grill beignet again.

From that moment, I was given a lot of grief for beignets.

Choking Hazard

Fast forward to another infamous moment in time. During lunchtime, we decided to head to Linkhaus. After lunch was over there, we were offered complimentary beignets. I almost passed out from post traumatic stress disorder but manned up and agreed to accept their offering.

I asked the server if they were hot inside and he assured me they were not. He said, they were a doughnut like pastry covered in mounds of powdered sugar. To make sure I wasn’t on Candid Camera, I took a beignet to make sure it was cool enough inside. It passed the test.

Next I stabbed the beignet with a fork, aimed the fork towards my mouth, opened my pour mouth, prepared for a bite, and then I accidentally inhaled when the beignet entered. Next up, the beignet was in my mouth. Trouble hit instantly. I started choking because I inhaled all the powdered sugar. I spit powdered sugar everywhere like Triple H entering a wrestling ring, the beignet fell out of my mouth, and I had the look of someone in dire need of CPR. The entire establishment stopped like a record scratch, cooks in the back peeked their head through an opening; all eyes were literally on me.

I was standing with watery eyes, coughing, with powdered sugar on my face and lips just looking up at everyone. Readers, I wish I made this up. It was seriously one of the most embarrassing times of my life. The server came up to check on me while people were laughing. It was one of those Southwest Airlines “Do You Want To Get Away” commercials.

The beignet got the best of me AGAIN! And I even took all the necessary precautions to make sure I’d win for once. I was told inhaling sometimes is a natural thing humans do while eating; too bad that’s the truth. The rest of the beignets were boxed up and I swore to never eat one again.

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