There comes a time in every man’s life where they question the reason for their existence. Is it to serve your country and fight for freedom? Is it to preach the word of the religion you believe in? Is it to raise children to become future leaders of society? Or is it to eat a 2 and a quarter pound hamburger and a pound a fries in 15 minutes?
After a Shocker game one night, some friends and I stopped by the Bionic Burger drive through to grab a quick bite. While waiting for the food, I saw a sign about a “Triple Six Million $ Burger Challenge!” My eyes lit up. I turned to one of my friends who’s a Former Steak Speed Eating Champion in Denver and tried to talk him into it. He cowered in fear of the pure monstrosity and intimidation of the challenge. We drove off but I kept a mental note that one day I would come back to overcome the Triple Six Million Dollar Burger Challenge.
Days went by and I had many sleepless nights. The thought of doing this challenge consumed me for weeks. Could I do it? Could I face the adversity of a 2 and a quarter pound hamburger? What’s so bionic about a burger? I prayed to the hamburger gods to give me the strength and courage to step inside Bionic Burger and request to do the challenge.
When March came, I saw the light. It was time.
My parents raised me to be successful and do great things in life. The moment I stepped inside Bionic Burger, great things were about to happen.
I walked up to the cashier and inquired about the Triple Six Million Dollar Burger Challenge. She explained to me that it was a 2 and a quarter pound hamburger and a pound of fries. I could request any sides on the hamburger I wanted and that it was three ¾ pound patties. The fear started to set in as she was explaining the challenge. She would tell me the winner would get a T-shirt and added to their Hall of Fame. Hall of Fame = Greatness. I told her to sign me up. The cost of the challenge was $17 which included tax. The moment I paid, one of the employees there yelled, “We got a challenge!!!”
Everybody in the restaurant then looked my way; more fear started to settle in.
I grabbed a cup of water and chose a table to sit at. The song “Lose Yourself” played in my mind to psych myself it.
I was ready to have my name on the Hall of Fame; to become Wichita’s greatest food eating competitor. My time is now.
The cook brought my burger over; a couple other coworkers came over to start the clock. I snapped a couple pictures of the burger, grabbed some napkins, pointed towards my burger like Babe Ruth pointed towards his home run and was ready to go.
Wait…..there’s cheese on this thing. I had to send it back. They said they could scrape the cheese off which I obliged. There were still remnants of cheese on there but I figured that was the least of my concerns. I had a lactose pill on me which I’m grateful was in my pocket at the time.
|The picture does not do this justice
15 minutes begins now.
Looking at it, I saw three patties, two buns, and a basket full of fries. I did some quick math in my head. Each patty should be finished in three minutes. That’s 9 minutes with 6 minutes left. If I can finish the bun in 1 minute, that’d leave me with 5 minutes to eat the fries.
I picked up the first bun and set it aside and grabbed the first patty and started biting away. Bite, chew, and swallow. Bite chew, and swallow. I ordered the hamburger with only mustard and ketchup to add a little flavor to it. I could feel all the meat refusing to continue to digest and go down my throat. I was hesitant that feeling would be like for the entire 15 minutes. I needed a change of pace so I mixed in the top bun with the first patty.
Every now and then I’d just grab a fry or pour ketchup on my patty to change it up a little. This whole time I was take small sips of water because my throat was starting to dry up.
First patty finished and I called out for a time check. She yells the time………
Crap, I’ve fallen behind pace. I grabbed the second patty and quickly put it down. It was very hot. So I started to eat into the fries. Thought to myself, “Man Up, Eddy!!! What’s more important burning your hands and finishing this challenge, or not burning your hands?” I knew what I had to do.
I picked up the second patty, ripped it into two pieces and started eating away. While eating half of the second patty, I finished the top bun and a few fries.
I just finished the first half of the second patty and picked up the other half.
Something hit me……….. I wasn’t feeling good.
Pick up the pace Eddy. I was picking away at my fries. One of the employees there took my phone and snapped a couple pictures. I would post them but I look like I just ran two marathons.
I had about two bites left in my second patty and was about done with eating meat altogether. It was at this time, I considered becoming a vegetarian.
I stopped eating my burger and moved over to the fries. There was zero determination in the way I was putting the fries down.
I was determined to finish the second patty.
I then burped. Uh oh…….burping is never good while eating
One of the employees told me I needed to pick it up. She was rooting for me to be in the Hall of Fame. I didn’t want to let her down.
Crap. That is what I felt like. I stood up and ate a couple fries. Put the final piece of the second patty in my mouth.
I had one patty, one bun, and about 3/5’s of a pound of fries left in its container. I knew what I had to do.
25 seconds left
I picked two fries and put them in my mouth.
10 seconds left.
I stood up
6 seconds left
I picked up my one napkin and threw in the towel.
0 seconds left.
I let my family, friends, readers, and most importantly Wichita down.
It was hard to fight back the tears that wanted to fall from my eyes but in all reality, I think it was burger grease on my face. I felt defeated. My throat felt numb. One employee told me not to throw up; I looked at her and just smiled.
I grabbed a to go container and figured I could feast on my leftovers for three days or stop by the homeless park and just drop it off. The worst part of it all? I did this during my lunch hour and had to go back to work. Stupidest idea ever. I should have waited until after work.
I’ve done spicy wing challenges before (read here) but I feel like this burger challenge was harder. I’m not sure I’ll ever do a burger challenge again. Wait…..what am I saying, I’m sure I could be talked into it later in life.
|What was left this morning
It’s true though. There comes a time in every man’s life where they question the reason for their existence. Mine is not to complete a burger challenge.