I’m pretty sure I have the word sucker written on my forehead or there is a memo at work that says, “Eddy will try anything.”
Last week, I received a message from a colleague telling me his group got their hands on the World’s Hottest Chocolate Bar. He starts telling me it contains chili extracts rated at 9 million Scoville Heat Units, that they are 900 times hotter than a jalapeno, and that not many people have tried it yet. I actually had the willpower so say no that day.
The next day comes and it dawned on me there was another colleague of mine who would definitely try it. So I reached out to him and gave him the details and he replied “Sure, I’ll try them.” I’m thinking to myself, “Fantastic, I can pawn this off on someone else.”
That afternoon we walk over to the chocolates and see there are quite a few squares left. As you can see above from the picture, you’re only supposed to take one of those little squares at first. When we walk over, there’s a little crowd forming and watching with excitement. My colleague grabs not just one but two squares. I felt as though that was an attack on my manhood that he had to take two. So what does any guy who feels challenged do? I go against what I originally told myself I wouldn’t do and take one of those squares myself. Stupid….I know. And for those wondering, if my colleague jumped off a bridge that day, I probably would have too.
I grab a tiny little chocolate square, no bigger than a penny and pop it in my mouth.
The chocolate immediately begins to melt in my mouth and I swallow. No more than ten seconds and I can feel the chocolate scratching at the back of my throat. Twenty more seconds go by and I can feel it clawing down my throat like nails on a chalkboard. I see a stack of bottled pop (keep in my mind, I don’t drink pop and pop is the one of the worst things to drink with this) and ask if I can have one. The closest thing is a bottle of Coke and I immediately start taking swigs of it to stop the burn. It’s been years since I’ve had a Coke and it does not taste good at all but it’s better than the burning sensation going on with my taste buds.
I look over at my colleague while my face is starting to turn red and he’s standing there are smiles. He says, “Yeah that’s hot and there’s a little scratching at the back of my throat but it’s OK.”
If I could talk, my reply would have been, “OK? It’s OK? I feel like I just cooked some pizza rolls in the fiery pits of hell and ate them straight from the fire while the inside is filled with lava.”
We thank the guys and start walking back to our desks. At this time, my colleague is all fine and dandy. The pop I was drinking was starting to make me burp from all the carbonation. With each burp, I thought I was going to puke. My eyes were watering, my cheeks were red and my face felt as if someone set an iron to it.
Once we arrive back in our area m boss looks at me in horror and says, “Someone broke Eddy.” Yes, I felt broken. At my desk, I just sat there wondering if I was going to throw up. It wasn’t a great feeling and next thing I know my stomach was churning. I was this was all an exaggeration but it wasn’t. A few colleagues run down to our commodities area and grab me some Rolaids, Tums and chocolate milk. Now keep in mind that I’m lactose intolerant but I’m need something, just anything to soothe my stomach. Everybody is assuring me that chocolate milk will help but deep down I felt like it was just some ploy to see what happens next with me after drinking it.
I eventually give in and start popping Rolaids while drinking the chocolate milk. Without getting into any specifics the next twelve hours weren’t ideal. It was by far one of the hottest things I’ve ever eaten and we will try whatever is brought to work. My colleague who also did it and didn’t seemed fazed said that it was the second hottest thing he’s ever tried behind the Carolina reaper peppers someone brought one day.
If you’re interested in buying these yourself, you can purchase it here. They are $11.99 for twelve little squares. If you’re buying it for yourself, there’s a little challenge called Twelve Minutes of Pain. The goal is to take one small square every 60 seconds until you eat all twelve.
You have two choices. Order it yourself or learn from my mistakes. Enjoy.
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